Helping a Child Develop a Positive Self Image

Helping a Child Develop a Positive Self Image

‘My mum says that I have a good memory, but I don’t think so. I am stupid,’ said 12-year-old Lily (not her real name). Further self-defeating statements followed. I said nothing at first, searching for the right response. It was not the first time she had talked about herself in such a negative way.

In fact, I hear self-doubting comments all the time from the children I coach:

• ‘It’s just a guess. I don’t know for sure.’
• ‘I don’t know why I got the award.’
• ‘Oh yeah, I passed. I feel OK, I guess.’
• ‘Maybe I know it. I don’t know.’

How to Tackle Deep-Seated Beliefs

It’s never easy to know how to react to negative statements, as they often arise from a child’s deep-seated beliefs about themselves. An obvious response is to counter the comments and point out the child’s achievements and knowledge, but in my experience, this doesn’t work.

My previous blog post https://outoftheboxteaching.co.uk/2020/02/17/how-to-encourage-with-empathy/ talked about Ella , who stared at me blankly whenever I praised her work. Similarly, Lily would not accept praise because she simply didn’t believe it was sincere.
It has become clear to me that children like Ella and Lily don’t see themselves clearly, even after repeated reassurance and positive feedback. Even when a certificate or an award is right in front of them, they struggle to believe it’s theirs.

I hope to provide answers to two questions:

• What to do when all the obvious attempts of encouragement fail?
• What to do when the child responds ‘I have no idea,’ to a question about schoolwork they knew the answer to the week before?

While it can be unsettling to hear a child express negative views about themselves, the good news is that alternative approaches are often very effective.

Why a Child may Lack Confidence

These are the most common causes that I come across when providing tuition to children in and around Bristol:

• Hypervigilance. When challenged with a question, the already hypervigilant child can reach a state that is associated with helplessness or overwhelm.
• Problems with executive functioning. For example, when completing a set multi-level task, a child has trouble deciding what to do next. The steps required to complete the task get mixed together.
• Anxiety. If a child becomes anxious about not being able to give a complete answer, they may feel unable to provide any kind of response about that topic.
• All of the above. More than one of these factors may be operating and reinforcing each other.

A Child Needs to Learn Self-Acceptance and Realistic Self-Assessment

Learning self-acceptance and realistic self-assessment means, to me, accepting and nourishing one’s strengths while being mindful of one’s specific needs at that moment. Becoming good at it is a long-term project, achieved gradually over time.

In my work with Lily, I used the following techniques:

• Active listening, validating the child’s feelings, and enjoying hearing her express herself in her own way.
• Giving Lily the space to pause and identify her own stressors or misconceptions about learning.
• Creating a calm space to relax, reset, and create a new self-image as a student.
• Giving choices and progressing in small steps. Children often have difficulty letting go of the idea that they are bad learners. Progressing in steps and acknowledging small specific achievements help them get past this resistance. It subtly conveys that it’s OK to change for the better.

The comments Lily made at the start of this blog post were from two months ago. Using these techniques in my tuition sessions with her resulted in Lily being able to think more clearly. Now when I point out her progress using concrete examples, she responds in a much more positive way.

About Out of the Box Teaching

We offer tuition and home education for children and young people in Bristol and beyond.

We specialise in supporting those who have ADHD, or ADHD traits, with autism/are neurodivergent, those with working memory issues, and those affected by trauma.

See also How to Encourage with Empathy

More information about our programmes :

https://outoftheboxteaching.co.uk/self-esteem-and-confidence-building/
https://outoftheboxteaching.co.uk/national-curriculum-subjects-for-ages-4-to-16/
Contact us: 07786 628820, info@outoftheboxteaching.co.uk
https://outoftheboxteaching.co.uk/contact/